What’s So Terrible About Short Guys, Ladies?

What if he doesn’t have Short Guy’s Disease?


Al Pacino is eye level with Tom Cruise at 5'7", but it hasn’t stopped him from bedding some of Hollywood’s most beautiful women. Photo by Barakaldo Digital on FlickrCC0 2.0




Ladies, and by this I mean single ladies, I ask you — what is this problem you have with short men?


I mean sure, okay, maybe if they have Short Guy’s Disease.


Taller than me by an inch, but only with both heels on the ground.


That is, as many know, the condition some men acquire when they feel they have to overcompensate for their perceived ‘short’comings by acting like a hyper-aggressive manspreader. Even if you’re small, you can act like a big dick.



Short guys have a reason to be fairly irritable — they’re discriminated against by women who overwhelmingly desire tall men. On every dating site, you’ll find women who want tall tall tall tall tall tall TALL TALL TALL!!! I really don’t get that. Who the hell cares if he’s short? I sure don’t, as long as he’s still taller than he is wide.


(Corollary for shallow men: Prospective women must be ‘athletic’, politically correct singledudespeak for THIN THIN THIN THIN THIN!!!)


Even older women — old enough to know better — buy into this size obsession. Haven’t they been through enough bad relationships, bad marriages, and bad treatment by idiot men who are tall and strong and can act like total dicks because — well, they can?


(Corollary: Good-looking women who act like bitches because the hotter they are, the more shit they know you’ll take.)




But no, some women never learn. Personally, I don’t give a damn how tall a guy is as long as he’s not @#$%in’ crazy or alcoholic. I think there’s such a thing as too tall. Many years ago, when I was still living in Connecticut, I had a Summer of Tall Men. One was a guy who was 6’3, an Internet friend I had a fling with in New York. The next was 6’4, who I met through a dating service. The one after that was 6’5, also through the dating service, and I was afraid to go back because the next one might be Lurch.



“So, what do you like to do for fun?” Image by skeeze from Pixabay



And no, I hadn’t specified ‘tall’ in my profile. These cloud-huffers came after me.


I concluded my maximum cut-off (ar ar) for tall men is 6’3″. My cut-off for short guys is —I don’t think I have one. I’m 5'3 myself and I’m not sure I even know any men shorter than I.

My big concerns are:

  • Is he crazy?

  • Is he alcoholic?

  • Does he do everything his dick tells him to?

  • Is he chronically depressed/life is over?

You’d be amazed how much response you get when you put in your profile, “Short guys welcome!”


(At least from those short men who bother to read profiles.)


A handy rule of dumb is that those with Short Guy’s Disease are like dogs. The littlest ones make the most noise.


Then there’s this guy:



Believe me, being short hasn’t hurt this guy none. If you must be short, cute goes a long way. The late great Davy Jones (5'3) would agree with me. Photo by Jay Tambooli on Wikimedia Commons. Creative CommonsAttribution 2.0 Generic


You might be surprised how short many celebrities are in person. I swear a few are lying about their height, or maybe their publicists are. I met Michael Berryman briefly at Fan Expo in Toronto several years ago. He’s That Guy you’ve seen in a million movies, the one who always plays villains and heavies. His most famous role is one of the cannibal savages in the original The Hills Have Eyes.


By Stefan Borggraefe — Own work, CC BY-SA 4.0


We chatted briefly and I was surprised how short he was — almost eye level with me. I marveled at the mastery of Hollywood that they made him look so large in his famous movie. Some sources on the Internet say he’s 6'2, others 5'11. He’s probably lost a few inches as he’s getting up there in years. So, maybe originally 5'll?

Another alleged skyscraper that made me think, “WTF? the magic of Hollywood!” was Lou Ferrigno, allegedly over 6' tall. I didn’t stand beside him, but not long ago I was just a few rows away as he spoke on a stage, and he didn’t look very tall. Like, not much taller than I. He and Berryman may be losing height in their old age, or maybe I’m just losing my eyesight in mine!

Anyway, I wouldn’t kick The Incredible Hulk out of bed for needing the stepladder to reach the top shelf. Ferrigno’s still hot in his sixties. Great inspirational speaker too, having overcome deafness and bullying from earliest childhood.

Other hot short guys in Hollywood include Joe Pesci (my height exactly!), Emilio Estevez, Jon Stewart, Martin Sheen and Dustin Hoffman. Martin Scorsese, a giant among movie directors, also stands on his toes in a crowd next to Joe Pesci and I at 5'3. And Woody Allen, not my cuppa shagga-shagga but he has been for millions of other women, stands at a mere 5'5, although given how old he is he might need to stand in line with me and Joe and Martin.


And you too, Davy!

Yeah, I know Woody’s a scumbag, but he’s been married three times and partnered with Mia Farrow and Diane Keaton, and he seems to have a knack for nailing really young women. Is it because he’s a shady predator, or because even young women have free will and agency and a yen for older men? I leave that to others to debate.

Gene Simmons of KISS says everything men do, they do to impress women. He claims it’s the reason they become athletes, form rock bands and even build cathedrals. Every big-and-bigger erection, he says, is to impress women. Okay, I would have guessed God for those big-ass churches but maybe the earliest Freemasons did it for the opportunity to strip off their tunic in July for the ladies.

Haply the lasses shall forbear bidding me aldric the smelly now!

Short guys are awesome. I’ve dated plenty. Tall guys are fine, too, but requiring height is a little pointless, especially if you decry men who mandate an ‘athletic’ body.

Just look for someone who’s not too crazy, doesn’t have a lot of self-inflicted health problems and who’s fun to be around. I’d rather be with a short fun guy than a tall self-worshipping egotist. Some wicked good guys won’t necessarily tower over you. And that’s a good thing. Because I have just one word for you when you’re kissing them:

Whiplash.



Contact

Toronto, Ontario​​

info@nicolechardenet.com

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