Updated: Jun 13
The Big Dick Is Back, courtesy of black men (of course!) and you can have one too merely for the price of a quickie gang rape!
You can have a dick as big as any African’s, white boy, but will the rod match the curtains? No one knows! Photo by Keith Syvinski on Free Images
Penis enlargement spam is back! Thicker, harder, larger than life, and now, racist as f — um, hell!
I’ve written about how a quest for a really huge monster mandingo was the only welcome spam I received during its Golden Age. Today my digitized shitty lunch pseudo-meat induces sleep. Somewhere, someone got the idea I’m a golfer and I’m flooded with sales pitches for all things Old Retired White Boomer Man. I can’t imagine how I got on their lists since the world’s most boring sport is one I never Google.
The New Improved Penis Enlargement Spam offers industrial-strength racism with super-sized misogyny I don’t remember from the Golden Age. Emails promise to make my wife scream with my eight-inch-long Hummer From Hell thanks to African men and their Amazing Big Dick Tribal Secrets. All I have to do is buy a plane ticket to visit the Somba tribesmen in Western Africa and turn my white wife out to them. The gargantuan gherkin is all mine!
(Maybe I won’t need those golf clubs after all!)
Eddie Murphy on the history of the Big Black Dick. WARNING: 1980s Eddie Murphy is not ‘woke’ for 2021. Don’t watch this if you’re easily offended. Or worry about your white dick size. Or if you’re Chinese. Especially if you’re a Chinese male.
This guy offered his white wife to the African tribesmen as a gift in exchange for their secret manhood elongation ritual. And it WORKED!
I know it’s fiction but damn, that’s offensive. So I wonder: Who are these guys marketing to? Who’s feeling so emasculated and hateful they’d consider turning their wife out to an African tribe so they could get a big thick rod and nail four chicks in one evening?
Not sure what’s up with the guy with the eye patch. Maybe he’s a Republican because of a white ancestor who screwed up his dick size? Photo by outtacontext on Flickr (CC0 2.0)
The big tell the target audience is sexually insecure white men is the overall racist assumptions, and the context in which it takes place. It emphasizes the ‘white wife’, so you’re quite clear on who needs some hammer help, since white men are more likely to have white wives than non-whites. Some spam indicates she’s into the idea herself (Husbandly big dick? Doing several Africans? BOTH!)
Of further racist note: Sexual success seekers journeying to Africa for The Secret never seem directed into an air-conditioned office in downtown Nairobi talking to tailored-suited businessmen. Their stories always center on painted tribesmen with spears in mud huts sitting around waiting for the next Trumpanzee to show up with his hot-to-trot wife (You Know How Those White Women Are!) perhaps ‘curious’ about trying some boudin noir.
It’s no surprise ‘Africans’ possess the alleged secret to ‘elongation’ techniques, since the myth of the Big Black Dick’s roots originate in the American African slavery era. It plays into the old white male slave owner fear that if he’s availing himself of sexual pleasure with his female ‘property’, maybe his wife is doing the same with those big strong field you-know-whats.
Now why would Miz Prudence choose an ‘inferior’ black slave when she could have her husband’s pure white superior manly studliness? Well, because Mede is, in one way at least, two or three times the man Massa McCracka is.
Oh…. And if you wonder if the African tribe fellows scored on the white chick, the answer is YES!
(I never doubted it. Gang rapes are pretty much always a huge success, except from the viewpoint of the victim.)
Apparently, some ladies were perfectly okay with being offered to a bunch of strangers because they got to bang a bunch of guys with big penises while her husband worked on making his own Tom of Finland-worthy Louisville Slugger.
This dude is crazy but what a secret he discovered… He took his wife to a remote African island to negotiate with the tribe elders, including 3 African priests, the sacred secret to gain 6 inches on his member. But they needed something in exchange. This guys WIFE… Don’t worry, it was just for a short period of time, but what followed after it’s wilder than anything you’d see on the craziest rated movies.
What was the concern addressed re the ‘short period of time’? To assure the recipient the wife’s distress was minimized? Or is it more about the pain of seeing your wife getting nailed by guys she might not want to have sex with, or even worse, want to? When she might even decide to stay with them rather than you, since God only knows what other Mandingo Magic these African guys know? What if they also possess the closely-guarded Secret of the Magic Triple-Axle-Twist Propeller Tongue?
Little-known fact: Some African tribesmen have up to eight tongues and they know what to do with them. It’s not actually BBD those white wives are running off to Africa for! Public domain image from Pixabay
Apparently his wife dug the gangbang so much they might go back ‘just for the fun’.
Ironically, while these stories feature a white woman getting ganged by a bunch of black men (or eagerly agreeing, because BBD) they don’t mention the (presumably white) husband nailing a bunch of African chicks while he was there.
Maybe African men aren’t as keen to turn their wives out to others as under-endowed white men. After all, what’s in it for them? The Secret To The Lowest Ever Golf Rounds?
According to spam about SavageGrowPlus, the current spam king of dicktacular spam (with a website and everything, but you’ll have to Google it yourself — caveat emptor!), white women are allegedly often on the prowl themselves looking for Big African Dicks. The spam promises a 2,000-year-old African ‘twist’ hack that makes one’s penis 48% longer with the subject line White Wife Caught Riding 3 African Priests.
One wonders what an African man 2,000 years ago needed with a bigger dick. It certainly wasn’t to make his wives scream with pleasure. Know what African women were doing 2,000 years ago? Mutilating their baby daughters’ genitals to prevent sexual pleasure. That shit is still going on today.
Yes, men believe still in the myth of the BBD, including gay men. Including non-white gay men. Think of how much pressure black guys are to meet some deformed ideal birthed in the era of total black subjugation.
I’m reminded of the Dove Soap video several years ago showing how a model is ‘created’ for a billboard ad. By the time the makeup and retouching gods are done with her, even she can’t meet the beauty standard gracing motorists on the highway. I always wondered how insecure she must feel if friends wanted to introduce her to someone they knew who loved the billboard. What was he going to think, no matter how dolled up she was? Her neck was too short, her eyes not manga enough, her skin less blemished than advertised?
Apparently, the palpable disappointment by men and women alike at unzipping a black man’s pants is similar when they discover a similar awful reality smackdown: Six inches, more or less.
What a terrible legacy of hypersexualized expectation to have to live with.
I don’t know how much men still believe in penis enlargement phallus-ies (ar ar, I’m on a roll!) but I should point out it IS possible to alter your penis to make it bigger, longer, thicker, more massive. It’s an evidence-based scientifically proven technique known to medical doctors since the 1980s: Phalloplasty, or surgical penis enlargement.
In other words, gents, you’re stuck with the same dilemma as women with breast dysmorphia: Those silly-ass creams, exercises, devices and herbal supplements won’t grace you with a longer schlonger any more than they will give your wife Dolly Parton boobs.
Did not get these from an ad in Women’s Wear Daily. Photo by Luke Westall on Flickr (CC0 2.0 Generic)
You really want to make your body parts bigger? It’s gonna take a few sharpies to make it so, Number One!
A second option may be less painful but there will be needles: Dermal filler injections, similar to what women get to boost lips and cheeks.
Here’s the real irony: Women don’t care about gigundous johnsons nearly as much as men.
Research has shown many men seek penile enlargement to impress other men, although some do it for self-esteem, and some for better bedroom performance (in their own minds, anyway). In fact, dick size isn’t even on the list of reasons why women divorce their husbands.
Even African women aren’t impressed with macroscale manmeat. A study of cheating wives in the Lake Victoria region of Kenya found a longer-than-average penis was one of the reasons given for cheating (as was domestic violence. Take note, beaters! Maybe you don’t have to pay someone to cut up your dick after all. An anger management program sounds less painful, doesn’t it, guys? Guys? Guys? Where’d you go’?)
Men want to impress each other. Think about it. Your open-mouthed-with-awe Big Dick moment isn’t in her bedroom, but in the locker room at the gym. (Don’t stare!)
Do the Somba tribesmen actually seek bigger dicks? Maybe.
I can’t find a lot about them so far but I did find a brief historical reference from the turn of the twentieth century talking about what they allegedly did for lengthy lingams, and while it involved herbs rubbed on the penis (not taken orally), one needed to cut a hole ‘of a certain size’ in a tree branch into which the prospective Priapus inserted his dick for several months until he got the desired length. The reference included a photo of a Somba man with what looks like an 8"-9" fully erect penis belted to his belly.
I’m guessing white men won’t want to wander around with a giant tree branch strapped to one leg until they get their humongous hot rod. “Hey big boy, is that a Balsam Fir in your pants or are you just happy to see me?”
I’ve never ceased to boggle at the capacity of the human mind to believe what it wants to despite the evidence of its lying eyes: There’s no quicky tricky for enlarging body parts. You either work with what you’ve got or you book an appointment with a plastic surgeon.
As a teenager I found ridiculous ads for bust creams in magazines. I asked my mother, “Do those really work?” I was only twelve and embarking on my first bra but I couldn’t know whether I’d ‘measure up’ when I was sixteen.
“Don’t believe those things. They’re all garbage,” she told me.
Uh, duh. After all, if it was that easy to get big boobs, wouldn’t every woman have them?
During the Golden Age of Spam, in the ’90s and ’00s, I used to wonder similarly about men. Did they not wonder why they didn’t see more monster masts in the gym or public restrooms? Or does everyone else look like they’ve got 48 pounds of swingin’ schwing when you look at your own perfectly normal six-inch love cannon while your brain screams “MICROPENIS!!!”?
Mostly I laughed in the olden days, wondering who the hell was desperate enough for a colossal kielbasa that they’d buy a product calling their dick a ‘custard launcher’. Today it’s not as amusing, even though I know no one is turning their wife out to a mob for some fake tribal secret. Still, it goes to show you: Some guys never learn.
Six inches is six inches, guys. And they say women can’t do math.
This post originally appeared on Medium in May 2021.