Updated: Apr 24
There’s another option for angry, entitled incels besides sex workers and sexbots— and yes, I’m serious about this
Public domain image from PxFuel
If you’ve ever explored the incel movement — hopefully out of intellectual curiosity rather than a state of chronic sexual grievance — you know how entitled these guys feel to sex, and not just any woman, but with the crème de la crème — the drop-dead gorgeous wank fantasies of every California beach movie.
Not you and I, my fellow mortals.
Yes, I hear you, thank God/dess we don’t stand up to the exquisitely discriminating tastes of the ultimate arbiters of the female form.
The involuntarily celibate famously don’t think women should be allowed to make their own sexual decisions. And because women customarily don’t spread their legs (or lips) for desperately misogynist spoiled brats (unless they’re rich — incels are right about that), said women, the brats opine, should be raped if necessary (‘blackpilling’ in their parlance). Elliott Rodger, the Killer Virgin, and now patron saint of people with dicks shaped like a bicycle handlebar grip, expressed in his lengthy, tedious, turgid pre-murder/suicide manifesto that essentially, No means Yes.
Women should not have the right to choose who to mate with. That choice should be made for them by civilised men of intelligence.— Elliott Rodger
It’s the crux of what you’ll find in incel forums, man-boys throwing tantrums because their ‘10s’ won’t mate with them. It wouldn’t be surprising if even ‘2s’ and ‘3s’ wouldn’t touch their dicks on a triple-dog dare with a million dollars behind it, either. New York Times op-ed Neanderthal Ross Douthat argued incel murders were due to these guys not getting the opportunity to jack off into women’s orifices rather than that they were entitled, objectifying assholes. (Or “mentally ill”, as right-wing white people call it when white people engage in terrorist acts.)
Douthat borrowed and then maimed ideas from an article by Oxford philosopher Amia Srinavasan who pondered whether sexual gratification from others was a human right, and concluded of course it wasn’t. (Which is what you’d expect from a woman.) Douthat twisted her words to make it sound like she was floating a debatable idea (which is what you’d expect from someone who looks like a former incel). Anyone who read her piece in the London Review of Books couldn’t fail to understand she did not think sex with others was a ‘human right’.
We need a ‘redistribution of sex’, Douthat argues. He suggests sex robots or escorts could handle these guys (don’t escorts service men sexually already? Oh wait, they expect to get paid for it, the greedy bitches), or maybe we should return to monogamy and chastity — for whom, one might ask, since men as a whole have never considered either as a mandate for themselves. Especially chastity, except in a few cases, and no, Catholic priests definitely don’t count.
He also mentions returning to that ‘special respect owed to the celibate,’ by which I expect he means female pre-marital chastity, since men have never been as interested in policing male virginity, not even in religions that mandate both parties should come to the marriage bed crystal-pure.
There are no ‘Purity Balls’ for evangelical teenage boys.
His argument for monogamy obliquely suggests bringing back the viability of marriage, but if these guys can’t even get laid, who’s going to marry them? Perhaps we need to bring back arranged marriages, not as uncommon or as ancient-historical as we think. We can find a shade of it as recently as the early twentieth century when families had the power to veto a woman’s marital choice, and force her toward the ‘right’ one. This happened to my ancestor who was pushed to married her alcoholic cousin, a ‘good catch’ instead of the man she wanted to marry. Big surprise: Her husband was abusive, and the marriage ended with a then-scandalous divorce. Won’t someone think of the embarrassed family?
However, I’m down with Douthat’s sex robots idea. Incels can already buy a RealDoll if they can scrape together $6,000; maybe Walt Disney Corporation can trick them out with robotics to make each ‘10’ as realistically human as any dead President.
Maybe the Incel Liberation Front can argue the government should give them a grant, not a loan, since Real Men don’t pay for sex, so they can afford RealDolls. The giveback, of course, is they don’t go on murderous rampages.
But there’s another option beyond rape, sexual slavery and sexbots, for men who aren’t Jeffrey Epstein ( and by the way not all incels are white, not by a long cumshot). There’s a way for incels to get all the sex and blowjobs they want.
Photo by Ketut Subiyanto from Pexels
The suggestion isn’t as snarky as it sounds. I’m serious. Men have sex with other men for numerous reasons besides being homosexual or bi.
It’s not that difficult a step for incels. The first penis is always the hardest!
I mean, consider this, boys: Y’all are obsessed with anal sex. Everyone looks the same from behind!
According to a new book by a University of British Columbia sociologist, strongly-identified straight men engage in hookups and clandestine same-sex affairs on the side, and it’s often because they’re not getting enough sex at home. They don’t regard having sex with another man as cheating, and don’t engage in an extramarital affair with another woman because they’re afraid she’ll get ‘clingy’ and pose problems for their marriage.
Still Straight: Sexual Flexibility among White Men in Rural America by Dr. Tony Silva notes they’re often politically conservative, including a small otherwise homophobic percentage and some felt sex with men lacked the pressure they felt when having sex with their wives.
Most importantly, some did it because they were lonely and craved human touch and didn’t know a masculine way to get it platonically.
So it’s not as much of a leap as one might think for incels. Sure, they’ll have to get used to the idea. But you know…
Incels can shave really closely, or use a depilatory on their faces, then get together somewhere (after the COVID crisis is completely over, of course!), gather in someone’s basement, turn off the lights and get funky together. Who can tell the difference with all those smooth faces in the dark? And who knows better than men what makes a blowjob so good?
(Oh, wait…yeah…not these guys. Ask questions, boys! Ask what he likes!)
Men who have ad hoc sex with other men aren’t gay. They’re just making do until they can be with a woman. Incels will simply have to make do with making do.
Or grow the hell up, get some therapy, and stop looking at women as living blowup dolls and calling us ‘cum sleeves’ and ‘roasties’.
Try it, you’ll like it! Photo by Elvert Barnes on Flickr
Men in the Middle East have been engaging in non-gay homosexual relations for centuries. This brings up one possible ointment in the fly. A guy might get to like it. Rather a lot! This happened to someone I knew from the Middle East. He related how the boys and men in his country had sex with each other because access to women was heavily restricted. He’s been with a fair number of women and had girlfriends (after he moved away) but he’s got a real thing for sausage now.
“It’s true,” he told me. “I’m still not sure if I’m bi, bi-curious, or just acquired a taste for penis by accident.”
He means the last part literally. He’s got a REAL taste for sausage, and I don’t mean Jimmy Dean.
And of course, incels can get all the sex they want— or don’t — in prisons. Something to think about before they take up some wack job’s call for rape or mass slaughter since women won’t give it up like Robert E. Lee at Appomattox. Consensual or non-consensual? Your choice!
Speaking of soldiers, they’ve done it on the front, and on the sly, as well. The understanding is you never speak of this. What happens in your man-cave stays in your man-cave. Especially with someone else’s man-cave.
With a little sexual experience under their belts, incels will no longer be incels. You don’t have to have sex with the opposite sex to lose your virginity.
Bonus: Anal sex may even prevent prostate cancer! According to an article my Jimmy Dean friend sent me.
It’s not ideal, but it’s a real suggestion. Incels need to remember: It’s not gay unless you come to prefer it to women. Look, the Middle East is famously homophobic but it doesn’t stop them from doing each other. This is only until I get married in September, Ajmal! Your turn. Fast or slow? Teeth or no?
Maybe when they’re less sexually frustrated they’ll be less inclined to shoot up a sorority or run down women from a van on a sunny day. The fact is, sex has gone downhill in North America in the last twenty years and we could all stand for a really good lay. No woman, though, will want to shag men raised on porn and misogyny who think vagina is a God-given human right.
Imagine incels’ reaction if informed that gay men have a right to their assholes.
The problem, of course, isn’t feminism or hypergamy but, you know, standards. Women’s.
The kind incels today don’t meet, for some pretty damn good reasons.
They want to date light-years out of their league, with women who wouldn’t make them happy anyway.
But many mortal women aren’t looking for losers like rich guys Shia LaBoeuf or Mel Gibson, who no sane woman would touch with a ten-foot Hungarian if she wanted to go through life without black eyes or uber-Catholic-laced Sugar Tits abuse, nor do they even require a man to make six figures, let alone seven or more. They won’t nail Sports Illustrated swimsuit models, but they might nail a genuinely wonderful woman who loves him for himself, as long as he gives her something to genuinely love.
So go ahead guys, meet up, shag like Spanish fly-crazed little gerbils, and maybe some day you’ll actually do a real live woman.
Or, like my Middle Eastern friend said, “Try something new! Put that penis in your mouth and see if you like it!”
“I never thought it could be like this, selftoucher04981.” “Yeah, I’m so glad for my dick to finally get to meet someone else, OralBill1991.”
This first appeared on Medium in July 2021.