Updated: Apr 19
The rich spread disease, breed like rabbits and are bad for the environment. We’ll test them for COVID, and eat the uninfected ones.
Lunch in The Hamptons. Try it, you’ll like him! Photo by Evan Wise on Unsplash
I think we can all agree: The global economy is a wreck, the world is forever hungry and we can’t count on Washington, the European Union, or any other governmental entity to fix anything. No matter which party challenges the other in the U.S. courts next week over an alleged fixed election, raging economic inequality will reign, and it’s time to rethink what we must do to fix it. I offer a tweaked iteration of an earlier thinker’s idea.
Let’s eat the rich!
I want to make it perfectly clear I’m not suggesting anything truly barbaric, not like the nasty-ass dude who once suggested we eat the poor. And not just any poor, but children! What an appalling suggestion. I hope that man is dead!
Poor people are neglected, undiscovered resources who’ve never had a chance to thrive and be productive members of society. Rich people are born with all the advantages and they use them to create stupid shit like trickle-down economics, credit default swaps, oxygen bars and Facebook. I’m suggesting, like those who support eating insects to feed a hungry world, that we feast on other plentiful, near-useless life forms.
Feeding others might be the only useful thing these wankers ever did for humanity.
My Top Ten Reasons Why We Should Eat The Rich
The rich ruined the global economy ten years ago with bullshit financial shell games they created lest they have to do anything productive for society, then blamed the nouveau pauvre for being lazy and unemployed. This year they’re pulling Part Deux: Angling mightily to reopen the markets in the face of a devastating pandemic because profits are more important than nearly 250,000 (dead) people (and counting). In an era in which air travel is severely restricted for everyone else, the rich eschew offices, public schools and universities and escape the rising infections by conducting their business-as-usual by flying in and out of the Caribbean on their private jets. Funerals are for the little people.
The rich are more plentiful than ever. There are nearly fifty million millionaires in the world owning roughly half the world’s wealth, and billionaires are as common as whiny-baby Trump tweets. We wouldn’t even have to restrict bagging the rich to a season. We’ll have to test each one for COVID-19 first, of course, but rich people with a positive result will feed millions of nouveau pauvre whose livelihoods were destroyed first by a pandemic and then by a famously rich guy’s gross mishandling of said pandemic and unwillingness to support them.
The rich are filthy, germy, and spread horrible diseases.
Could you guys, like, not breathe until this is over? Photo taken on June 5, 2020. Public domain photo by The White House.
The rich breed like rabbits and create overconsuming assholes, all of whom feel entitled to do no work and instead suckle at the government teat, living off taxpayer-funded corporate welfare. The rich never have any money for taxes, but there’s always money for drugs and alcohol. Without rich people, useless South American cocaine kings, assuming they were good at jungle camouflage when the poor are feeling a mite peckish, would have to get real jobs.
Photo by Walt Disney Television on Flickr (CC BY-ND 2.0)
Thinning the rich is good for the environment. Rich people famously hate to travel anywhere farther than the corner Cartier’s in anything other than a private jet. The biggest yachts burn 200 gallons of fossil fuel an hour. A Canadian study found that the 1% generated three times more greenhouse gas emissions than us mortals. It’s estimated that just by eating Elon Musk, Jeff Bezos, Bill Gates, Paris Hilton and Emma Watson that greenhouse gases would immediately drop 31.9 percent.
It’s important to cull the rich population from time to time or they get bored and start wars, particularly when they realize their neighbor owns a bigger missile, which means he has a bigger penis, which means you have to buy a bigger penis, and that can get expensive. And dangerous. The War in Afghanistan, the War in Iraq, and the War on Freedom/Terror came down to a size argument between two rich guys: Osama bin Laden and George W. Bush. Later, Donald Trump, a/k/a Cadet Bone Spurs, bombed Syria merely to prove (mostly to himself) what a he-man he is. Eating the rich would reduce toxic masculinity and the psychopath population.
The rich are healthy to eat. They’re low in fat because, as Tom Wolfe ever-so-hilariously pointed out in Bonfire of the Vanities, rich women are ‘social X-rays’ and rich men tend to look like this.
Good juju. The rich are better at surviving COVID-19 than the rest of us as they have access to the world’s best doctors and medical facilities. Eating a rich COVID-19 survivor will make you forever immune to the ravages of the virus and any future virus to emerge from the wet markets of China. Or it might be just five to seven months. Immunology geeks aren’t quite certain.***
Eating the rich will raise the collective IQ of America by enabling everyone remaining to afford higher education again. Colleges and universities will have to lower their tuition and fees to meet the budgets of mere mortals. It’s far more likely that the nouveau pauvre will use their college educations better than the rich ever will — the rich will probably just invent more stupid shit like another fake money financial instrument of destruction or a lame-o Facebook ripoff.
What if someone had eaten Jeffrey Epstein right before he bought his pedo island? Think about it.
Before you leap up to announce, “But the rich have guns and security guards and really high electronic fences!” I would say pshaw! If nineteen religion-addled culturally illiterate goat-herders in caves could pull off the most impressively brutal terrorist attack of the modern age against the world’s only remaining superpower, and a nuclear one at that, then I tell you this: A bunch of really hungry pissed-off nouveau pauvre who, until quite recently, sent humans into outer space and invented the Internet will figure out how to breach that overpriced firepower and storm the mansions of Midtown Manhattan, the towers of Dubai and the entire country of Luxembourg.
***I feel compelled to add that I made that stuff up about the COVID juju. It’s a sad commentary on the state of the world when I have to make certain that people realize I’m joking because pseudo-scientific claptrap about a very serious virus and its alleged cures and preventive inoculations (zero so far) are so prevalent social media moguls are pressured to remove such nonsense to protect the hopelessly gullible from themselves. Please note I AM KIDDING ABOUT EATING PEOPLE FOR THEIR MOJO!
Please don't blame me if someone eats Madonna.
This appeared on my old blog about 10 or 12 years ago, then on Medium in 2021, and now it's here. Like its author and the Beach Boys, it gets around!