I’ve been asked to compile a list of my Top Ten Ways To Kill A Man (out of a total of 27). I would caution you not to try any of these at home, boys and girls. Leave these extremely effective techniques to highly trained assassin/sniper/holistic healers like myself. Okay, I’m not, strictly speaking, formally trained, but I’ve watched way more kung fu, Clint Eastwood, James Bond and war movies than you will ever even hear of. I can recite every line of Apocalypse Now in my sleep.
I limited myself to the weapons I customarily wear around campus (not usually all at once, but…sometimes). I don’t pack heat because of the legal hassles although if I’d brought a .44 Magnum to Chassadril we’d have been in and out of there in fifteen minutes. However it was worth it that I didn’t, just to see Joyce and Raven dance in public. Particularly Joyce. Never thought a tightassed little Reaganaut like her could shake her chassis like that but WHOOOAAAAA!!!
Okay. Here’s my list:
10. Sharp pointed stakes in your boots, tipped with curare. In Chassadril they didn’t have curare so I had to make do with an herb that temporarily paralyzes one’s victims. However, had I had time to source curare (and I do have my sources) it’s very important to cover the points so they don’t accidentally scratch you.
9. Shuriken. These lethal little throwing stars come out of nowhere and embed themselves in your victim. And they’re easy to hide in your boots where your college professors won’t see them.
8. Knives to the throat. Yes, that’s really really boring but it’s also really really effective. Forget all that highly creative fancy “I expect you to die” crap. If the Riddler or the Joker had just taken a ninja butterfly knife to Batman and Robin, today Gotham City would make downtown Detroit look like Lake Woebegone. And avoid any lengthy speeches explaining your mad plan in great detail, it just gives the cops or the Cavalry more time to show up. Cut and run, baby!!!
7. Nunchux. Not only can you whack a head clear into the next kingdom with them, but you can stuff them down your pants and look really, really studly.
6. Did you know you can kill a man with just a 3’ x 3’ square piece of tarp, some fishing twine, a jar of extra-crunchy peanut butter (but it *must* be extra crunchy!) and a small bong? It’s true. But I can’t tell you how, because it’s classified information. I got it from a friend in the State Department who was in Khe Sanh back in the day. Had that wuss Westmoreland let him take out General Thanh in this manner, the Tet Offensive would have won us ‘Nam hands down.
5. My bare hands. Hacker may be able to kick-box his enemies into the next century, but I can deliver a blow to your head that will turn your brain into a pizza at the back of your skull. Or maybe the wall behind you. Even if it’s on the other side of the street.
4. Borgia rings. Kind of a girly way to get rid of your enemies and not the best choice for me since I don’t wear rings but when you have to assassinate someone in a public place nothing beats flipping the lid of your ring and dumping something deadly into consumables. And you can conveniently buy these rings at any thrift shop. They were popular in the ‘70s as they contained solid perfume. Just dig out the perfume and replace with something like Lassa fever pathogens. Don’t ask me where I got them, or then I’d have to kill you.
3. Brown recluse spiders. The song ‘Black Widows In The Privy’ urges you to off your enemies by sending them to a spider-infested outhouse but actually, black widows’ venom rarely kills. Brown recluses are way more dangerous, and just as effective under toilet seats.
2. A #2 pencil or a Bic fine-point pen. A well-placed jab to the jugular and a quick retreat and no one will ever trace the murder to you, since the entire campus student body is heavily armed. Unless of course, someone notices that the victim is the guy who gave you a D- on your essay explaining in what should have been incontrovertible detail why Hannibal was an ineffective wuss who could have done so much more in the Punic Wars.
1. My grandmother. Okay, technically she’s dead but she was a mercenary in the Boxer Rebellion and she kicked more Chinese ass than Genghis Khan’s entire army. She’s the reason why my planned career is espionage work for the government, rather than my dad’s choice for me, which was taking over his landscaping and remodeling business.