Hally Potter & The Dirty Bleeding Melons

What happens when a DVD for the Chinese version of a Harry Potter movie also offers a version with English subtitles? As the venerable TV Guide would say in days of yore, “Hilarity ensues.” Hogwarts was at the centre of a vexing produce crisis. To which Hagrid added, Whatever was going on, it was clear that Draco Malfoy really hated these oversized berries. It was the worst insult he could...
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Proctologists: The Aliens Walk Among Us

If aliens really do live among us, they probably get health insurance payments for probing our butts now. I wonder if it’s covered under Obamacare?


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Elliot Rodger – All That And A Bag Of Chips?

An old buddy of mine back in Connecticut used to say, “You’re all that and a bag of chips.” I thought of that while slogging through the manifesto of misogyny that the Killer Virgin, Angry Young Semi-White Man Elliot Rodger, left after shooting several non-virgins in his southern California community. I’m not reading it carefully, just skimming the boring parts – to...
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The War On Humour

As a humourist or a stand-up comedian, would you make fun of a burn victim in a wheelchair? What if he asked nicely? Key & Peele, of the Comedy Central sketch comedy show of the same name, wrote a bang-up piece about humour and making fun of others in this week’s Time Magazine’s The Ideas Issue. In it, they argue for the right to Make Fun Of Everything without a bunch of...
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Major Tom Goes To Mars

If you’re a Muslim hankering to get the fark out of here – permanently – from Planet Earth for any number of reasons sane or insane, just a friendly little heads-up for you: Joining the Mars One mission will send your soul permanently to hell. And the Muslim hell is waaaay worse than the Christian or Jewish ones. And absolutely no virgins. Thus sez a fatwa committee (they have...
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Microsoft SmartBra 1.0: For A Chest Smarter Than You Are!

The perfect Christmas gift for the woman who has everything else – at least if it’s ever released into the wild – is the Microsoft SmartBra 1.0! You’ve probably heard or read about how pretty soon computers will be built into clothing, betcha never thought it would start with ladies’ underwear, didja? Huh? Huh??? Well okay, if you consider how many engineers and...
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