About Young Republican, Yuppie Princess


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Look, I just want to emphasize that I’m the *normal* one, okay? I was dragged into the alternate universe Chassadril through Hacker’s shower which is where my underlaid computer nerd friend opened it up with his stupid computer program. Of course Raven and J.B., my other live-action D&D-playing friends along with Hacker, are totally in their element, while I, Wall Street yuppie-to-be and Young Republican Joyce Bacyrus (I don’t have a stupid nickname like my dorky friends, remember, I’m the normal one) just wants to rescue Hacker’s crush girl before she has to marry the Hoboken Horror and close the damn portal. Except now we’re looking for Hacker’s lost floppy disk in this pseudo-medieval society pursued by this stupid prince (the aforementioned H.H.) who sounds like De Niro on steroids and his wicked advisor who performs black magic and bears a striking resemblance to every godawful bad hair heavy metal band meathead you’ve ever seen on MTV.

 

Our Heroes*

geeky-looking guy with large glasses in self-defense poseThis is my friend Hacker, who started it all. He’s totally brilliant with computers, I mean he can swap out a Winchester drive thingy with his eyes closed, but he’s not nearly as brilliant with the ladies. Not that that ever stops him from trying to lay anything even remotely female. Good thing he’s a brown belt in karate because some day some guy’s gonna drag him outside to rearrange his face. However, my money’s on ol’ Hack. You should have seen what he did to the Bearslayers…
cute girl with black hair, orange headband and carrying a swordThis is Raven, my roommate at school. She actually dresses like that in the real world, so great is her dorkism. She is actually a state fencing champion which I thought was the lamest thing I ever heard until she announced she was a swords ‘n’ sorcery fantasy fiction writer. She and Hacker and J.B. are totally into that stupid D&D crap and they even dress up in pseudo-medieval clothes and run around in the woods while playing! There are days I pretend I don’t know them…
good-looking guy in poufy-looking shirt with nunchuxThis is J.B., Hacker’s roommate. He completely hated the shirt he had to wear in Chassadril, ha ha! He’s like me, a level-headed fellow Republican (well except for that idiotic D&D nonsense) who wants to work for the FBI. He totally digs Clint Eastwood, knows 27 different ways to kill a man and at least as many different ways to heal him. You would never guess just how many weapons he’s got hidden all over him, and he only takes the shades off practically at gunpoint. He’s a major babe (and he sure does know it).
pretty brown-haired girl in white dress and macrame beltThat’s me, Joyce Bacyrus. The level-headed one. Okay, maybe it’s not so obvious with the stupid Princess Leia getup but it’s not my fault, it was either this or the gawdawful harem garb Raven’s new heartthrob Eric the Bard gave us for bopping around Chassadril. Turn-ons: Ronald Reagan, the Wall Street Journal and trickle-down economics. Turn-offs: Liberalism, Russkies and punk rockers.I may not be able to fence or roundhouse kick a guy into submission, but I’ve got a formidable knowledge of mark-to-market accounting and I never, ever, play D&D.
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